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“Why can’t I just be happy and content with what I have, instead of mixing it up all the time?”

That was the thought that just ran through my head.

Wow. Let me see how many unclean thoughts – or unhelpful value judgments – are contained in that sentence.

1 – “Why can’t I be…” is the voice of non-acceptance of how things are exactly in this moment. It is violence toward the self.

2 – “instead of…” is the voice of blame. It assigns responsibility to the “bad” part of myself who is creative, impatient, restless, and wanting to do more.

3 – also, it implies that I am NOT happy and content right now. It imposes an either/or situation – either I am happy and content, OR I mix things up. It does not allow for the possibility of being happy and content with what I have AND wanting more AND looking for the next stimulating project.

All of this came up after two incidents just today:

– meeting with a potential substitute piano accompanist for my students’ performing group, who marveled at my ability to build a private studio since he hasn’t had success in Oakland

– reading a Facebook status by an aspiring, and decidedly ungifted, artist/motivational speaker, saying that he still owns a place in Chicago and rents it out (in other words, passive income)

The thought flashed through my head, “Gosh! What happened to my business acumen and financial savvy? Why am I resistant to stability and security? What do I have against those concepts?”

Again, I blame myself, instead of becoming true friends with myself.

I remark on the fact that I have become totally bored with Facebook. I am too lazy to “look up” friends who do not appear on my front page News Feed, so I get bombarded with messages from only the people who update the statuses the most often. Frequency of Facebook status updates seems to be directly proportional to how uninteresting these updates are.

This whole life coaching journey will be a big mind blowing experience for sure.

It will challenge all modes of thinking about my thinking, feeling about my feeling, being about my being.

I’m reading Pema Chodron’s book, “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times”. Many of the ideas in that book – central Buddhist teachings – are also at the crux of The Work and Martha Beck and Wayne Dyer. To “lean into the sharp things” is what her teacher called courage. Facing fear is actually being OK with the fear itself, not running or hiding. I’m curious to see how I, in my life, can look fear in the face and go on anyway.


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August 2019
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