I felt my energy fall away from me today. Just like that. It was like leaves off a tree, gentle but certain.

I have tried to make a conscious decision to teach in a different way – a way that feels more life-giving to me. The problem is I am so “well-trained” that I see only what is missing, what more can be done. I was an observer of myself today. I realize that the goals of memorizing this much music are simply unrealistic for some kids – although very attainable for others. I stood there saying, “How they play is not about me. They are doing their best. I am doing my best.” I watched as the part of my brain that was trained to be critical of everything began to list all the things that I “should” be doing to “fix” things. But the core of me – that place of stillness and observation – said I have done all that I can do and it is the week before the performance, so we have three more chances and that’s it. They will show what they have to show, and it’s their performance. I have made this WAY too much about me.

So while that part of me falls away, there’s a cringe of fear that says, “OK, what’s left?” I know that this school – as I have known it and built it to this point – must die, so that something else can be born. The question is, “What will be born?” It is a strange feeling to observe and watch as something you participated in creating, bringing together, must necessarily disappear. It’s even stranger when you can’t quite imagine what the thing will be to replace it, or whether you will even be able to create that new thing. But the certainty of knowing that the old thing must die is enough to help you surrender. You can just watch. You can observe and appreciate the thing you’ve created for all it is – flaws and all. And then you remind yourself to celebrate your Self. Honor the part of yourself that created something from just the desire in your heart and willingness to do what was necessary until it was time to move on. Honor yourself for being willing to take what comes with growing. Then laugh at the part of you who thought you knew everything you needed to know at the time.

I’m gathering the certainty I need to say –Β  and more importantly, do – what needs to be done. A part of me is very afraid of what this means, but I am trying to care for that part gently, without forcing or denying. What I want to honor today is the blessings and talents that I have within me. Because of these blessings and talents, I can consider a broad range of possibilities for myself and my heart connects to many possibilities for myself. My best life will honor my great blessings and talents and put them to use for the enhancement of my joyful experience of life, which will by its very nature bring joy to others. I don’t have to try to force myself onto others, in an attempt to “help” them or a presumption that I know what they need. I can remain open and free, and this as a living example will bring joy to others.

And so it is!

Advertisements