…well, this will be a few more than one.

It just dawned on me that I don’t have to teach violin at all. I could stop tomorrow and I would still have contributed a great deal in my life to this point, as well as accomplished so much that I am grateful for.

I don’t need to do it “just because” I had the opportunity to do it. I was perfectly ready to throw that all away as soon as I went to college. Why is it so hard now?

I also don’t owe it to anyone to “give back” if I happen to change my mind about what I want to do. I have been doing this for five years. I’ve given back more than I ever thought I would give back in terms of music.

I am really fascinated with people, their stories, their bodies, their voices, and their relationship with sound. I like that I have a certain familiarity with music, but I’m not so tied to my violin that I need it to identify myself. I will be able to come up with a new Twitter handle, but it’s just not that urgent. I have been coming to more and more CIIS sessions without my violin, with the desire to continue to free my voice. I know I have musicality in my body. I love music because I am alive in my spirit. I want to enjoy that. Period. Nothing else to prove.

I don’t really care about “saving classical music”. I know a lot more than many people will ever forget about classical music, but I don’t really have to make anyone else know that. It is a part of me that I carry into every moment of my being, just like every experience I’ve ever lived through. How I choose to allow it to control my actions in each moment is up to me.

I do find such joy in seeing people come alive. If I can use music to do this, then what a great gift.  But I would also really love to become a skilled facilitator of Real Speaking. I feel there is so much potential and opportunity there for me, being part of the beta group who will help give birth to the program. At least one other participant is such a whippersnapper business woman that I look forward to learning from and supporting. I don’t feel like I have to jump out and carry all the weight for this process. I am simply an important co-creator.

I am a little frustrated by how slow the coaching process can be. I like being there to witness breakthroughs. I am less excited about the grind of the day to day. I know this is unenlightened but it’s where I am right now. But if I can find a way to STAY CURIOUS and KEEP WONDERING what’s going to happen, I experience fun. This is my new approach to teaching, as my latest survival mechanism. So far, I’m thriving, by busting up everything that seems old and stale.

I am still ruled mostly by the beliefs in my head that took root so long ago. I know what I need, and am just vigilantly on the lookout for that transformational experience to put my soul on the line and allow it to grow beautiful wings forever. I need to go down, down, down, to fly up, up, up. I’m not trying to fail, I’m just trying to be totally unafraid as I put ideas into the universe. And learn to trust myself. Even my fear and anger need a place to be given thanks.

I am not exactly in a state of anger right now, but I am having to look very closely at what makes me angry in order to see that the feelings are all based on thoughts that have no basis in MY reality. They are derived from my perceptions of other people’s lives, and my fear of not becoming like them. They are not an acknowledgment of the energy of full abundance that I, as a person born and living on this earth right now, have access to. Let me please wake up to that soon.

Advertisements